I'm supposed to be on the road to Tallahassee by 10am with Jenny, Jeff, and Brandell. I'm definitely better than yesterday, but I still feel like I was beaten by a bag full of hammers. TJ left to go back to Denver today. I spent a good chunk of my afternoon speed-crocheting a dice bag for him. Steve came over for a few minutes. The day was pretty chill, but I have no idea where it went and I don't feel rested at all.
So why the hell am I even considering this trip to Tallahassee? New Leaf Market, my dears. It's literally the closest thing, both in distance and in concept, that we have to a Whole Foods around here. And while B and I aren't afraid of trans fats and yellow #5, we dig the meat selection there (all the normal critters, plus lamb, goat, bison, venison, rabbit...the list goes on) and all the fancy cheese. Food snobbery and being a fatty tend to go hand in hand. We've made the agreement that we're going to choose things that don't take long to prep or cook. We spend way too much money eating out, and hope to rectify that.
I also want to pick up a few home remedies for fever blisters. I was born a carrier because my mom has 'em. I had my first one at 16, and this, my darlings, marks #2. Yes. Less than a week until my 30th birthday. I'm going to turn 30 with some shit on my lip that's got some shit on its lip. RUDE. I've been running damage control with medicated Chap-Stick, and so far, that's kept it at bay. Thankfully, I have propolis on hand, which is a natural, bee-produced anti-viral, anti-bacterial, anti-fungal WONDER SUBSTANCE. Seriously, that shit took care of an abscessed tooth at one point. Lysine and licorice powder are also on my to-buy list. FULL ON ASSAULT.
So I'm going to just...shut up and go. I have a Monster Java in the fridge, and Brandell's word that he'll drive on the way back, so I can totally do this. It's making me rethink other things I've committed to over the next week or so and wonder--is this really the best use of my spoons? Well, what the fuck else would I use them for? But that? Really? Sigh. I'll strike a balance one day. Until then, I'll do my damnedest not to over commit myself, and drive that lesson home by making myself keep the commitments I make when humanly possible.
I guess the fever blister really drives home the point of my current stress levels. The last time I got one, it was one of those worst case scenario times...for a 16 year old, at least. I guess I'm a bit more frazzled than I'd like to admit. Lately, I haven't even wanted to bother calling bullshit on scenarios when it's greatly deserved, which is highly out of character for me. I've forgiven when I probably should have stuck to the promise I made to myself. I've taken a deep breath and let some dumb shit go. These are all probably things I should have been doing all along. The only problem is, when I don't speak up, I internalize shit and stew about it. I have an incredibly hard time truly just letting shit go. It burns a fucking hole in my gut until enough time has passed for me to lose some of my give-a-damn. It can be hours, it can be years. And don't tell me to journal that shit, because it would all go right here (pen and paper writing, at least in the quantity that would take for me to purge this foolishness, is hell on my hands) and I would lose friends and alienate people. The fucking quandary of the thinking woman, I suppose. It's a shame people don't respond well when you grab them by the face, stare into their eyes, and say "YOU ARE BEING STUPID".
Aaaand cue my back hurting like hell again. O hai, PMS. Joyyyyy.
/Negative Nancy
No comments:
Post a Comment