Well, suffice to say, my ass is NOT in Tallahassee right now. I set three alarms. All of them were within two feet of my head. I also had Jenny call me twice, and did not hear the phone right next to my head, either. Fail, fail, fail.
I guess part of my problem is that the post I made last night got me thinking. I thought about what's mandatory, what's obligatory, what's optional, and what I really, truly, legitimately want to spend my spoons on.
Time, effort, and energy are precious commodities to anyone, but doubly so when one runs smack into the reality that it's not a matter of laziness or being antisocial...the mind is willing but the body says FUCK THAT.
For example: Can I comfortably sit on a bar stool or stand for 4-5 hours? Hell no. Can I drink with everyone else? LOL, no. Do I enjoy being sober around drunk people? Do I even have to answer that question? Do I really think I'll be able to spend quality time with the person I came to see? Yeahhhh no. Will I be relaxed and comfortable in a loud, unfamiliar place? Not at all. Logical conclusion? Send regrets and possibly a thoughtful gift.
Today, I'm going to Diabolik Ink to set an appointment to have the Tree of Life I had outlined over a year ago filled in. It's effing huge. It goes from the ankle to the knee on the back of my left calf, and is wrapped in a banner that says "I have seen in a forest of myself little books from tall trees", a quote from Release, my favorite Blackalicious song. I'm going to have the artist add in some wisteria to the branches, too. And if there's an artist free today, I'm going to have a wee spoon tattooed on my left wrist. It just seems like the thing to do.
I suppose it's time to break free from my mentality that I'm a shitty friend if I can't make it to all the things I say I will. I get so excited, so very very excited, when I hear about fun things to do. I don't consider my limitations. I don't think about the realities that said situation will entail. I need to learn to say "That sounds like fun. Let me get back to you on that." and stop agreeing because the annoying-ass idealist who lives in my brain forgets my current reality.
That which doesn't kill you is likely to piss you the hell off.
You are not a horrible person in any way shape or form that I can see. Don't beat yourself up over it. You can do what you can do and it is the trying and the thought that counts. Don't overexert yourself you will just pay for it greater later on and really you need what you have now. Don't borrow against tomorrow's spoons unless you have to.
ReplyDeleteI have found that out with stress and migraines in my life. We each have our limitations and it isn't a bad thing to admit that and stick to them.
*hugs* I know it is a rough spot for you right now as you are adjusting, but never let yourself think you are horrible just because you have limitations. You are not.
Thanks, Laura. Logical Joolie knows these things, but Emotional Joolie needs to be reminded occasionally.
ReplyDeleteSemi-related note: I cancelled this weekend's plans based on a gut feeling that I would not be up for them. Sure enough, I woke up today with Satan's Cramps and there is just no way in hell I could have done the things I planned.
Note to self: Trust self. <3