Reawakening.

So, it's been awhile.  Lots has transpired since last time I updated.  Obviously.  The way of the universe is, life goes on, whether you're ready for it or you want it to or not.  The shop is doing well.  I took a 2 1/2 week trip to California to visit friends, which did wonders for body and soul.  I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, but I guess that just means I have to go back next year.  I kept a (paper!) journal through the whole trip, and I plan on writing some posts based on those journal entries, very soon.  And you all know that for me, "very soon" can mean tomorrow or next month.

Yesterday, I made amends with a friend I'd been fighting with for the better part of two months.  We got the yuck out of our systems, talked about things like grown-ups, then spent the evening hanging out like no time had passed.  That's the mark of a good friend, dears.  You get the hell over it.  Forgiveness is hard, and forgetting?  Well, forget it.  But moving on is truly where grace lies.

So it's that time of year where enough of it has passed to look back and make broad, sweeping judgments about it.  This was a bad year for friendship, sadly.  A good year for personal growth, but a horrific year for friendship.  I can't hold myself blameless.  My fault mostly lies in the "not just saying what you feel, when you feel it" department, vis a vis my proclivity to befriend people, then help them, and not speak up when the first signs of my good nature being shat upon appear.

That's what it always boils down to in my life, folks taking enormous dumps on my good nature.  It's always the people I try to give a hand up that suddenly decide I'm a heinous bitch for whatever reason.  I don't think I want anyone besides my husband to live with me ever again.  Those are the worst slaps in the face.  I've got two rooms in my home trashed right now because clearly, asking for rent after MONTHS of saying we're having financial issues is just rude, and expecting to use one's own living room before midnight when there's no less than 3 other places in the house to sleep and clearly, headphones do not exist is downright unreasonable. The really shitty thing is, I don't merit talking to about these things.  Nope.  Let's just leave our shit all willy-nilly and fuck off and shit talk the only person who was willing to help in your hour of need.

I'm done with shitty people, y'all.  Just done.  I'm up to something like 6? 8? people that crested the top of my shit list and rolled off the other side in 2011.  Folks I thought were good friends and good people.  Is it just me?  Does this happen to anyone else when you lend someone a hand?  Maybe it's just misdirected stress and anger.  I'm here, and thus, an easy target.  Makes sense, but it doesn't make it right.  I'm kind, and thus, a mark.  THAT is fucked up.

And, to make up for all the shittyness of this post, here is Scotti-cat in a hoodie.

Onwards and upwards. Bigger and better. Good things are coming to me. I can already feel it.

Heads up

Heh.  I'm punny.  So, fellow migraine sufferers!  I bring good tidings of my personal favorite instant relief strategies!  Things besides pills (sweet, glorious pills!) that I've tried that have worked.  This is my good deed for the month, so no, I will not help you move!

Massage:  God yes.  Get the blood moving, stat.

• Professional -- AMAZING.  I recently posted about it in detail, so I won't go through it all again.  Basically, this is what I'd do every single time I had a headache if money weren't an object and there were massage establishments open 24/7 that didn't offer a happy ending.
• Partner or Friend -- The next best thing, if they know what they're doing.  I'm lucky, because my husband has a very respectable body of knowledge about the bones, muscles, and tendons due to his martial arts background and general smartness.  When I realize I have any sort of headache coming on, I have him rub the muscle between the thumb and forefinger on both hands, my neck, the back of my head, then my forehead, temples, and under my eyes (especially if it's a sinus-related headache.)  He usually rubs my jaw, too, since I have TMJ.  If I'm hurting, the muscles are probably already starting to tense up, so why not stop it before it starts?
• Self  --  You gotta do what you gotta do.  I do pretty much everything B does, except with a lovely dollop of Badger Headache Soother.  Here's the deal.  Yes, it is going to leave a greasy film on your skin (and hair, if you rub the back of your head), however, it's worth it.  It's got a blend of essential oils that help relieve some of the pain.  It also acts like a massage oil that stays in place so you can rub the areas where it was applied as needed.  So what if you look like a shiny raccoon for a few hours, you have a friggin' migraine and anyone who expects you to prioritize appearance while you have a migraine has clearly never had one.  

 
Other helpful things:  Any port in a storm, right?

• Ice -- I keep at least 4 gel ice packs in my freezer at all times.  3 small, 1 large.  I usually start with the ice pack at the base of my skull, then once it's warmed up, I start alternating it to my forehead, and if I'm feeling extra pitiful, I whine for B to get me a second ice pack and basically ice my entire brain case.  While it doesn't make the headache go away, it sure as hell feels good and makes me hate everything less.
• Heat -- My amazing sister-in-law, Roberta, got B and I two Bed Buddies for Christmas this past year.  While heat isn't my favorite thing for a standard migraine, it's the gold standard for anything sinus related, or for headaches due to muscle tension or misalignment of the upper vertebrae.  They're also amazing on your lower back after a long day of sledding.  :)
• Freezer Pops --  Yep, the ones that are basically Kool-Aid in a plastic tube.  They're a good way to cool off and get/stay hydrated without chugging a bunch of water.  Usually, if I'm thirsty during a headache, I am ultra-mega thirsty, and I will absolutely flood myself with water and/or a caffeinated beverage to the point where my nausea is triggered, which only compounds my misery.
• Peppermint Oil --  My massage therapist put peppermint oil on my face, scalp, and neck before beginning my massage, and I was out of pain in under 5 minutes.  I just bought some on ebay today.  'Nuff said.
• Cat --  Properly applied to the back of the head and neck, a well-placed cat is the perfect level of softness, warmth, and vibration if you scratch his head and make him purr.  Behold!

• Dare I say *gasp!* THE REEFER? -- Take your opinion of marijuana as a deadly, dangerous illegal drug and set it aside for a moment.  It has analgesic and anti-emetic properties.  It also relaxes the mind and body, which helps alleviate pain and reduce stress in its own right.  The only time I'd say smoking to help a migraine is contraindicated is when you have a sinus or vascular migraine.  So yes, I am a firm believer in medical use, aaaand I'm not going to say any more on that topic. 
  
  
  

Headaches, especially migraines, SUCK.  And while I'm all for the pill-popping, having a few tricks up your sleeve for instant relief will not only make you hate everyone and everything less until your pills kick in, it can actually halt the increase in pain or even decrease the pain.  So, here's hoping you don't need any of this information any time soon, just that you'll remember the next time you do.


Ritual Legal Climbdown:  I am not a doctor or any person who has any business whatsoever giving medical advice.  Listen to me at your own risk.  If dissatisfied with the advice contained herein, a full refund will be issued. 

On yelling.

Contrary to popular belief, I hate yelling.  More specifically, I hate being the one that has to do the yelling.  I used to be a big fan of yelling, back when I drank like a fish and couldn't see what a fucking train wreck I was turning into.  But now, thanks to quitting drinking, therapy, and medication, I just...don't yell.

But goddammit if two people haven't pushed me to the point of yelling this month.  And not even a shouted sentence or two, a full-on, lung-bending, blood-boiling, black-out RANT.  I don't even know what the fuck is going on with the universe right now.  This month alone, I've had to cut four people out of my life.  I'm not as into astrology as I used to be.  Are we under the star of douchebaggery or something right now?

Only one of these losses truly makes me sad.  That would be my surrogate mother-in-law, who reacted to my olive branch by alienating me in cliche form.  Yeah, the same one I wrote a love letter about a couple weeks ago.  Chosen family is only family until you're under the influence of a lie, then they're disposable family.  Oh well.  A new alpha fag has been chosen, and a new surrogate mother-in-law will come in time.

I hate that I feel such a strong need to have that sort of a relationship with someone in my life at all times.  At 30, I still don't feel like much of a grown-up.  Adult matters make me feel like Bambi on wobbly legs.  I don't need someone to baby me or to do things for me, I just want someone who's been doing this grown-up thing for awhile to be my friend and well...I guess a mentor, of sorts.

But back to yelling.  It sucks.  It makes my head hurt.  The adrenaline rush usually renders me useless for 5-10 minutes, then once it dies down, thus begins the withdrawal migraine.  I yelled last night and actually woke up with a sore throat today.  WTF?  But physical shit aside, it's just so unseemly.  It shouldn't be necessary, ever, but sadly, it is. 

I guess I should just be grateful that I've ceased being a doormat, and that I'll actually stand up for myself now.  That's major progress.  I suppose this is the inevitable backlash, though--after spending so many years of running from conflict or just trying to smooth things over, I suppose it's only natural that upon waking up, I come out roaring.



p.s.  I have a new fatkini!  Springs trip tomorrow--hopefully I'll have some pics then!

Self-care of a different sort.

This is still not my OMG SQUEE AWESOME WEEKEND post, but bear with me.  I'd rather go ahead and purge the negativity so I can be in an appropriately pleasant mindset to describe what was one of the best "reunions" I've ever had.

As everyone learns throughout the years, some friendships and some people are toxic.  You love them dearly, and you try to help them see and understand their issues.  Where they're going wrong.  Why they're offending you and others.  You tolerate and forgive because you see the person's heart and know it's good.  You explain until you're blue in the face.  You forgive and forgive because it's hard to imagine your life without the person in question.  Personally, I've wound up staying in too many toxic situations just because I believe so firmly in the goodness of the person in question.  My persistence has been both punished and rewarded.  Such is life.

But at what point do you decide you're done?  Empathy and forgiveness are components of any successful relationship, friendship or otherwise.  But there have to be limits.  Everyone has a breaking point.  There's only so much aggression and negativity that can be accepted and forgiven before the whole situation becomes hideously codependent and unhealthy.  The longer the timeline, the more difficult it becomes to cut ties and to know where that invisible line between "good friend with problems" and "sociopath" lies.

As for me, I have my own problems, mental and physical, both of which I'm taking an active role in understanding and treating.  Frankly, it's exhausting, because I'm not the sort of person to just kick back and let the pills do the work.  Thinking that medication is a panacea, especially for mental issues, is the acme of foolishness.  There has to be actual real-life work done to succeed.  For me, this includes making myself actually talk to people (or the internets.  Hai, Internets!)  rather than stewing in my own juices, confronting my phobias, being aware of my mood, being mindful (and honest with myself) about what may have triggered my current state, and eliminating as many triggers as possible.  Toxic people and the drama and stress they bring are most definitely triggers.

So this begs the question, exactly how much should a person tolerate in hopes that the person they once had faith in will get it together, stop projecting their issues, stop creating drama, and deal with conflict in a mature way?  There's no easy answer, and every situation is going to be a case-by-case basis.  Whereas one friend may have committed such morally despicable actions that you decide, without speaking to them, to simply cut off contact (did this with a confirmed sociopath on my wedding day--happy marriage to me!), another may deserve a warning.  And another warning.  And another chance.  Enter the slippery slope of faith and false promises.  Faith that no, really, there's a good person under there somewhere, and maybe this was one last outburst, one slip into lashing out at you when they're really angry with someone or something else.  But how long do you operate under that mindset?  How long do you tolerate the abuse, not to mention live with the constant specter of this person's eventual explosion into unjustified rage?  I don't feel it's possible to have a functional, healthy friendship if you're just waiting for the next time your "friend" is going to take a (figurative) swing at you when you've done little to nothing wrong.  And woe be unto you if your false friend loves to make a spectacle of personal drama on the internet.  Please, someone tell me why in the hell anyone should accept treatment like that from anyone.  At some point, you have to make good on your word.  You have to drop the hammer and be DONE.

Do it for your health.

Foolishness.

I had a fantastic weekend, which I'll post about later when I'm in a better headspace.

I got home without being jinxed or cursed or murdered by my car, so that was cool.  Then today, a steaming pile of drama hit, completely undoing my weekend zen.  RUDE.

After so many abuses of my good nature, though, all I can do is cut ties and walk away, for now at least.  I sincerely hope this isn't a permanent thing, but I'm not holding my breath.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and never, ever mistake kindness for weakness.

Ugh.  I'm cried out.  I need sleep.

Alarm fail.

Well, suffice to say, my ass is NOT in Tallahassee right now.  I set three alarms.  All of them were within two feet of my head.  I also had Jenny call me twice, and did not hear the phone right next to my head, either.  Fail, fail, fail. 

I guess part of my problem is that the post I made last night got me thinking.  I thought about what's mandatory, what's obligatory,  what's optional, and what I really, truly, legitimately want to spend my spoons on. 

Time, effort, and energy are precious commodities to anyone, but doubly so when one runs smack into the reality that it's not a matter of laziness or being antisocial...the mind is willing but the body says FUCK THAT.

For example:  Can I comfortably sit on a bar stool or stand for 4-5 hours?  Hell no.  Can I drink with everyone else?  LOL, no.  Do I enjoy being sober around drunk people?  Do I even have to answer that question?  Do I really think I'll be able to spend quality time with the person I came to see?  Yeahhhh no.  Will I be relaxed and comfortable in a loud, unfamiliar place?  Not at all.  Logical conclusion?  Send regrets and possibly a thoughtful gift.

Today, I'm going to Diabolik Ink to set an appointment to have the Tree of Life I had outlined over a year ago filled in.  It's effing huge.  It goes from the ankle to the knee on the back of my left calf, and is wrapped in a banner that says "I have seen in a forest of myself little books from tall trees", a quote from Release, my favorite Blackalicious song.  I'm going to have the artist add in some wisteria to the branches, too.  And if there's an artist free today, I'm going to have a wee spoon tattooed on my left wrist.  It just seems like the thing to do.

I suppose it's time to break free from my mentality that I'm a shitty friend if I can't make it to all the things I say I will.  I get so excited, so very very excited, when I hear about fun things to do.  I don't consider my limitations.  I don't think about the realities that said situation will entail.  I need to learn to say "That sounds like fun.  Let me get back to you on that." and stop agreeing because the annoying-ass idealist who lives in my brain forgets my current reality.

Well, I should be in bed...

I'm supposed to be on the road to Tallahassee by 10am with Jenny, Jeff, and Brandell.  I'm definitely better than yesterday, but I still feel like I was beaten by a bag full of hammers.  TJ left to go back to Denver today.  I spent a good chunk of my afternoon speed-crocheting a dice bag for him.  Steve came over for a few minutes.  The day was pretty chill, but I have no idea where it went and I don't feel rested at all.

So why the hell am I even considering this trip to Tallahassee?  New Leaf Market, my dears.  It's literally the closest thing, both in distance and in concept, that we have to a Whole Foods around here.  And while B and I aren't afraid of trans fats and yellow #5, we dig the meat selection there (all the normal critters, plus lamb, goat, bison, venison, rabbit...the list goes on) and all the fancy cheese.  Food snobbery and being a fatty tend to go hand in hand.  We've made the agreement that we're going to choose things that don't take long to prep or cook.  We spend way too much money eating out, and hope to rectify that.

I also want to pick up a few home remedies for fever blisters.  I was born a carrier because my mom has 'em.  I had my first one at 16, and this, my darlings, marks #2.  Yes.  Less than a week until my 30th birthday.  I'm going to turn 30 with some shit on my lip that's got some shit on its lip.  RUDE.  I've been running damage control with medicated Chap-Stick, and so far, that's kept it at bay.  Thankfully, I have propolis on hand, which is a natural, bee-produced anti-viral, anti-bacterial, anti-fungal WONDER SUBSTANCE.  Seriously, that shit took care of an abscessed tooth at one point.  Lysine and licorice powder are also on my to-buy list.  FULL ON ASSAULT.

So I'm going to just...shut up and go.  I have a Monster Java in the fridge, and Brandell's word that he'll drive on the way back, so I can totally do this.  It's making me rethink other things I've committed to over the next week or so and wonder--is this really the best use of my spoons?  Well, what the fuck else would I use them for?  But that?  Really?  Sigh.  I'll strike a balance one day.  Until then, I'll do my damnedest not to over commit myself, and drive that lesson home by making myself keep the commitments I make when humanly possible.

I guess the fever blister really drives home the point of my current stress levels.  The last time I got one, it was one of those worst case scenario times...for a 16 year old, at least.  I guess I'm a bit more frazzled than I'd like to admit.  Lately, I haven't even wanted to bother calling bullshit on scenarios when it's greatly deserved, which is highly out of character for me.  I've forgiven when I probably should have stuck to the promise I made to myself.  I've taken a deep breath and let some dumb shit go.  These are all probably things I should have been doing all along.  The only problem is, when I don't speak up, I internalize shit and stew about it.  I have an incredibly hard time truly just letting shit go.  It burns a fucking hole in my gut until enough time has passed for me to lose some of my give-a-damn.  It can be hours, it can be years.  And don't tell me to journal that shit, because it would all go right here (pen and paper writing, at least in the quantity that would take for me to purge this foolishness, is hell on my hands) and I would lose friends and alienate people.  The fucking quandary of the thinking woman, I suppose.  It's a shame people don't respond well when you grab them by the face, stare into their eyes, and say "YOU ARE BEING STUPID".

Aaaand cue my back hurting like hell again.  O hai, PMS.  Joyyyyy.

/Negative Nancy